Easter.
Went on a hike, now attempting to begin filing taxes. It’s been a lovely visit. The best thing I could ask for was hiking with my family. Something I was really dreading but found it surprisingly okay. Maybe I do belong with them, I may not be as much of an outcast as I originally thought.
Im Tired.
Im tired of being disappointed in myself. Tired of hating how I look, how much confidence I lack in everything I do. I’m tired of running away when times get hard, I’m tired of giving up on everything important to me. I want to be happy. For a moment there I though I actually was. I’ve always been a failure, and continue to believe i always will be. It’s hard to break free of the thoughts and keep on. I need support just like everybody else, but I can’t handle people being close to me. I already regret being close to the friends I’ve recently made. I was meant to do things alone. I was meant to be tired.
Relapse.
Eventually the doors burst and the cracks crumble when try to press that last emotion back. I lose it. I never can handle the emotional load I withhold from myself. But it’s a repeated process that I have been through many times before. Every time my innocence gets the better of me, I always find myself surprised in the end. Surprised that the doors never hold, that the walls always crumble, that I do not have the ability to keep locking my thoughts in a dark place hoping I will never face them. It’s stupid, really, it is. It’s not healthy but I haven’t a clue what else to do. I don’t want to continue with anything anymore. Everything hurts.
A series of events completed thus far;
Friday night - Clubbing
Saturday night - Old friends, and a Saint Patrick’s day party
Sunday - Snuggles with friends
Monday - Relax and enjoy the awesome weather
Tuesday - Collect friends, spend the day and night in Boston
Wednesday - Zoo then joining old friends at night
Thursday - Hiking all day, then party
Friday - Hiking some more, spending the day outside then rave
And to come:
Saturday - Meeting old friends and find an adventure
Sunday - out to breakfast and back to school
I am completely satisfied with the outcome of this spring break. I’ve been going non-stop, but it’s been a blast.
Haulin
Just organized all my music to awesome playlists. Burned a couple CD’s for the road tomorrow too. My future roommates and I are spending the next few days together and it should be sweet, I’m super stoked.
Huh
Everyone becomes so confused as soon as I ask, “Will you tell me something?” It could be anything! I don’t care what it is, I just want to know what type of information you would give to me if i just asked. I love this question. People tell me what they have for lunch, what their feelings are toward me, and even situations they need advice on. Sometimes people just need the opportunity given to them to share their feelings. The question is only as awkward as you make it. Please give me the answers.
She was so sweet to me.
Complete joy, really. I haven’t slept in 2 days, but the bliss of her presence was worth the time spent awake under the covers.
Warm
We laid together on the couch. The blanket was warm, and the movie was dull. His roommates would come and go, snickering, talking, rummaging about getting themselves ready for bed. I could’ve fallen deeply asleep there, it was so warm. He moved the hair on my neck to make room for his breath and lips. His hands were on my stomach and hips, ensuring I won’t leave. We talked through most of the movie until neither of us could hold our eyelids open anymore. He carried me to bed where as soon as I rested my head on the pillow I fell asleep, completely happy and warm.
Home is wherever I’m with you
I’m returning home this weekend, I’m pretty stoked. My brother and my friends are all on their spring break so I will hopefully get to see everyone in the little time I have. Every time I go back home I always become so overwhelmed with so much to do with very little time. It’s not a bad overwhelmed, It’s always exciting and never dull, but busy regardless. I’m excited, none the less. I want to see my hamster. I want to see my friends.
Dorms..
I’ve been trying to record a video for my friend, but i keep screwing up so I’ve been playing the same song over and over. I still don’t have a take that I like, but I have a feeling my neighbors might be getting annoyed…
Why do I always feel hideous
I want to walk out the door and say “fuck yeah I look so crazy rad today.” Instead I always try to sulk through the day hoping nobody looks at me. fuck. Trying to be cool is so hard sometimes.
Sitting on a train feeling like a ramble.
Listening to the shivers puts me in a trance. Annoying girls keep chatting through my headphones, talking of their unsupportive father and overly rich mother Nothing makes for better conversation for them, I suppose. I miss my friends in Boston. So, I’m glad I’m on my way home again. I think the comfort of home seemed to have faded when I lost Benjamin, my cat. He was my support, my everything. I’m slowly trying to re-create that through my family. I never had close relationships with the ones I live with, I always seemed to be the ‘odd man out’. Things have been pretty awkward recently too. With the stress building in school, I’ve been trying to communicate with my mother whom I’ve always difficulty getting along with through my childhood. I have yet to forgive her for a lot, but I’m trying. Things are looking bright for now. I hope it all can come together soon.
